#44: MTA Shuttle

Miracle

The first miracle attributed to the man called Jesus involved alcohol. Those who take a cabernet with Communion really appreciate that detail. And whether or not water actually turned into wine or if the author of John was intent on proving the divinity of a human being, it is still called a miraculous story.

Those of us who aren’t so sure of the idea of miracles as divine might also look at the tale of five loaves and two fishes that are said to have fed 5,000. Was it Godly multiplication or (and this is hardly an original theory) did the actual miracle come from 4,993 people watching one mother offer what little she had for herself and her six children and were moved to do the same? That’s more my kind of miracle – the unexpected that comes from human intervention.

It’s also the kind I’ve witnessed.

Tim and Becky reconnected in their 50s, Tim having been an old friend of Becky’s big brother. Early adulthood found them both in marriages that did not last and a hope that did. Love came quickly, followed by a proposal and a plan to spend their lives together on the beaches of Hawaii, where Becky called home. Her sun-kissed shoulders and long, blond locks would have caught anyone’s attention, but it was the tall, thin, salt and pepper, close-cut fellow with a balding spot on top who received her, “Yes.”

I don’t remember what brought them to Nashville, but I do remember what brought them to St. Thomas Midtown Hospital, the place where I served as a chaplain-in-training while trying not to ruin anyone’s spiritual journey – including my own.

It was Tim’s all-of-a-sudden-and-ongoing-and-relentless headache, fatigue, nausea, and confusion that took him from the Emergency Room to one of his own. And as quickly as the proposal came, so did the diagnosis. Brain tumor. Terminal. A couple of weeks terminal. Get your affairs in order ASAP terminal. Call your people terminal. You won’t be leaving the hospital terminal. 

For Tim, getting his affairs in order meant saying, “I do” to the Hawaiian beauty he had known for decades and loved for only a few months. And even though “’Til death do us part” would come much sooner than hoped, it was Tim’s dying and Becky’s living wish to be husband and wife for as long as time would allow.

The Pastoral Care Director, Lewis Lamberth, was an Alabama-raised and Baptist-ordained minister, complete with an accent that substituted “h” for “r” when it came to “nuhses” or “flowehs.” He also understood what it meant to have limited time with a spouse, as he spent the week in Nashville serving patients and staff and flew home to Austin to spend the weekend with his wife. Having been in the work of chaplaincy for nearly 30 years, Lewis had seen his share of heartache and never lost the soft spot where it hurt.

Yes, he would marry them.

It’s fairly common knowledge that nurses are the backbone of medicine, the ones that understand patients and their needs best, as well as their stories. They take care of more than vitals and medication, including families. They see a need and get something done.

So it was with Becky’s bouquet and a small cake for the happy couple to share. After collecting donations from staff on the floor where Tim was declining as fast as he fell in love, they made sure Becky would have flowers in hand and a dessert to share with her soon-to-be husband. The hospital gift shop made sure it was beautiful. The cafeteria made sure it was sweet.

On the big day, the hospital chapel was warmed by dark wooden walls and dim lighting. The intimacy of a space where people often came for respite in the midst of unease served the same for the 10 or so staff members who were able to step away from the floor and into a celebration – even a hard one. Lewis stood in front, with an empty altar and cross in the background. Tim took his place to the right, guided by a friend behind the wheelchair that held his weakened body. Becky proceeded in a bright, flowery dress – very Hawaii – that hit just above her knees. She beamed and cried on her way to Tim, in love and in grief.

Given the reality of Tim’s decline and inability to be away from his hospital bed any longer than necessary, the ceremony was short, simple, and sacred. And when it came time for Tim to take Becky as his bride, the friend who guided him in the wheelchair, along with a nurse, helped him stand. It was heartbreaking and holy to watch him promise from this day forward, for better, for worse, to love and to cherish.

When they were pronounced husband and wife, Tim softly kissed Becky and leaned on the two men who had helped him stand to help him sit. And much like Becky’s walk down the aisle, the tears among us all coexisted in joy and sorrow.   

There was no mysterious disappearance of a brain tumor, no short-term recovery that would allow a flight across the Pacific, no resurrection on the third day, but there were witnesses who saw a man offer what little he had for himself and his wife and were moved to do the same.

#24X: Bellevue Express

Thanksgiving

“It hurts when they use those paddles. Feels like you’ve been kicked in the chest. I got kicked three times.”

It was the fourth Thursday of November and Bob was back. We had met a few weeks prior when his name was on the list of official requests for a chaplain visit. What I knew up front was that he was in his early 70s, had a medical history that included hypertension and a heart attack, and he used to be a Baptist preacher.

The last part was the one that intimidated me the most. It was still early in my residency year, and I often questioned if I was a suitable candidate to walk through a door and claim myself a chaplain. Sure, I had experienced a lot of grief. Sure, I had studied theology. But with a background that included some wounding from my own Baptist experience, I was triggered from the moment I saw that piece of information under his name.

Bob couldn’t have been more welcoming. “I love chaplains!” was his first response to my introduction. “Come in. Come in.”

As was customary, there was some superficial conversation to get us started. The room was big. His bed was comfortable. He liked the nurses.

Somewhere along the way, Bob mentioned that he was looking forward to all of the work being done on the townhouse he shared with his wife, Shirley. It had been damaged in the flood of 2010 and a year-and-a-half later, their home was still in a work-in-progress. There’s only so much that can be done at a time when you’re living on a fixed income and your body “ain’t what it used to be.”

He had also survived prostate cancer and was being monitored due to a recent spike in his blood sugar.

Seeing Bob’s name on the patient roster on Thanksgiving Day tugged at my already fragile heart. I was a few days out from a different kind of flood and trying to make some sense of God – and myself. The hallways were much quieter that day with a smaller number of folks on staff and every measure possible taken for patients to spend the holiday at home. If you didn’t have to be there, you wouldn’t be.

Bob had to be there.

When I first passed by his room, I noticed that he was having his holiday meal and opted to let him enjoy it without interruption. About 15 steps down the hall, I realized that having a holiday meal alone, in a hospital and with his medical and emotional history, was not a call to leave him be.

I knocked on the open door. “Hey, Bob. How’s the turkey today?”

“Not worth much, but the stuffing was alright. Come on in.”

We made it through the surface-level stuff within those first few sentences. He remembered our previous visit and I found myself wanting to stay.

“Do you mind if I pull up a chair?” I asked.

“Come right on,” he said. “What did you do to get put here today? They could use the help. That’s for sure.”

“Well, that’s just kinda how it ended up and right now, I’m glad I’m here. How are you?”

Bob was wearing his age more than he had just a few weeks prior. His unshaven beard matched the fatigue listed on his record. That and another round of elevated blood sugar found him in a cramped room, likely the consequence of availability of both space and staff.

“I didn’t want to come in, but Shirley wouldn’t let it go. The night before Thanksgiving and I’m on my way to the hospital. Hardly anybody’s paying attention. Can’t be that different than if I would have waited.”

“And this room is awful.”

He was right. The light was the worst kind of artificial and the walls were a reminder that this was the hospital’s oldest building. Shirley’s cot was to the right of Bob’s bed and took up what little space was left between him and the window. She had stayed overnight and was currently in the cafeteria picking up her own Thanksgiving meal.

“I don’t know how anybody gets better in a room like this,” he said. “Did I tell you I was here for over a month back in September?”

“Yeah, I do remember you saying that.”

“I was supposed to be DNR (Do Not Resuscitate). Thought I had signed the papers. I guess Shirley made ’em do it.”

He paused.

“It hurts when they use those paddles. Feels like you’ve been kicked in the chest. I got kicked three times.”

No one tells you the thing that’s going to save your life is going to hurt so much. I had just spent the past few days knowing it to be true.

“How are you feeling about it now, Bob?”

He got teary. “I’m so angry. Why didn’t they just let me go? I’m ready. I’ve had a good life, been able to do lots of good things. I don’t want to hurt Shirley, but I can’t keep doing this – in and out of the hospital. It’s no life. It’s Thanksgiving Day and I’m here again.”

His honesty was holy.

I struggled between wanting to make it better and wanting to let it be.

Then Shirley walked in the room.

“Did you know they’re giving lunches to the people who are working today? No matter the families that are here – we have to pay. She did give me the water for free.”

The dynamic changed.

“Isn’t this room just awful?” she continued. “I think I’m gonna open the curtain.”

It was one thing she could control.

We talked a bit more about the difference between the room I had first met them in and the room where we were that day. Shirley was obviously frustrated with the whole of the situation, likely a response to her simultaneous desire and inability to make things better. After fussing around her lunch she decided to step out again.

Bob had shared some stories about his own ministry and how he got his call to preach three months after he gave up drinking. He was especially grateful for the time he spent in Kenya. I took the opportunity to move in a bit closer so I could lower my voice, just in case Shirley returned.

“You know what? I think, when you meet God, God is going to say, ‘Well done.’”

“I sure hope so.”

He started to cry again.

“I’ve tried but this last part is the part that’s a little too hard.”

“Do you tell God when you’re having a hard time?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Do you think God understands?”

“Yeah, I think he does.”

“Y’all okay in here?” Shirley asked as she came back in the room. The IV pole started beeping and she was quick to comment.

“Hope we can get somebody in here to fix that.”

Bob assured her that he would call the nurse and asked if I would offer a prayer before I left.

“Of course. Do you have anything special you want to pray for today?”

“I think you probably know.”

I mumbled through some words about Bob’s life and ministry and asked God to draw close in his time of need. It was the only way I could address the depression and subtly recognize that Bob was asking to die while also not wanting to pray for Bob to die.

Eleven years later, I still don’t know if those words were right, wrong, or both. I also don’t know what happened after that visit. I kept an eye out for Bob’s name, but I never saw him again.

That’s one of the harder parts of chaplain work – not knowing. Some patients are long-term and open-book, and others go home before you have a chance to meet. Some, like Bob, show up twice and stay with you, especially on the fourth Thursday of November.

#43: Hickory Hills

All Saints’ Day

“I will go anywhere I hear her name.”

That’s the line I remember from a 2011 memorial service held at St. Thomas Midtown Hospital for parents who had lost a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. The annual event was set aside for especially tender loss and as the hospital chaplain resident, I was invited to participate. Families who knew that tender loss intimately gathered in a space where prayers and reflections were shared. When names of their babies were read, parents and siblings came forward to light a candle in their memory.

It was a conversation after, the “Thank you for coming” type I shared as I made my way from family to family, that revealed a grieving mother’s wish to hear her daughter’s name spoken out loud. It was affirmation that her child was real, known, and loved.

Eleven years later, I’m still thinking about that truth.

When a person dies, their names are often buried with their bodies. We fear that the reminder will bring pain, as though the widower, parent, or orphan might have forgotten. But they don’t. Pain is there, regardless of what we do or don’t say.

What that mother said to me, to any of us approaching someone in grief, is that their person was. Is. Continues to be. And it’s okay to ask, “What was their name?”

For me, it’s David.

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